AV俱乐部

Essay on the New Media (Sort of)

Andy Post

I want a lyric鈥攏ot just any kind
Of bullshit, but with warm misanthropy;
A lyric in a voice loose and reclined,
But free to study the technology
Of those who, when they, at day鈥檚 end, unwind
And set themselves in glowing effigy
They use to chat, play games, to congregate,
To shop, to argue, or to masturbate.

I think I鈥檒l write about the internet
To see if I can鈥檛 pick the modern brain
By looking at the ways in which we鈥檙e set,
And asking if we must like this remain;
If this was the best future we could net,
Or whether I but vent my ticks in vain:
For instance, if you think my verse too bitter,
I challenge you, produce its like鈥攐n Twitter!

Yeah, let鈥檚 start with Twitter鈥攚here the brain starts
To unravel.听 And however Stephen Fry
Defends the realm¹ where Sarah Palin鈥檚 brain farts听听
And toaster status updates²听 greet the curious eye鈥斕�
One hundred forty characters?听 Here, my brain parts
Ways with writers when good language goes to die
A sickly death of infantile, short digress
Immortalised in the Library of Congress.³听

Yes, Congress鈥攖hat same bastard Parliament
With all its famous checks and balances;^{4 听}
That same exalted living monument
To rubber-stamping what our nation鈥檚 balance is
According to the President鈥檚 intent
Of re-election; that white marble palace is
Now the symbol of all knowledge men did seek,
And some they didn鈥檛鈥攖hanks to your new tweak.

And Canada, don鈥檛 think I鈥檒l let you off
Just 'cause you to 鈥淎mericans鈥� add 鈥淣orth.鈥�^{5 听}
However much you and the Brits will scoff
At our fat asses, hiding your self-worth,
Look in the mirror鈥攜ou鈥檝e a feeding trough
As wide as ours.听 Don鈥檛 act like you go forth
To play outside just like you used to.听 Why?
Thank good ol鈥�, Yankee ingenuity!

Look to the laptop screen鈥檚 entrancing glow!
Mac, P.C., or Linux鈥攊t doesn鈥檛 matter
Which brand you have.听 All that you need to know
Is when the bells and whistles raise their clatter,
Your brain鈥檚 defenses all will start to go
At things you don鈥檛 need!听 Food that makes you fatter!
鈥淭hink鈥� now!鈥斺赌擲hall you befriend this Internet鈥�?
Yes!听 Now say hi to the friends you鈥檝e never met!

Oh yeah, that shit is ours, we鈥檒l proudly say,
And so what if it鈥檚 not?听 You dropped the ball,
My friends.听 Marketing!听 (That鈥檚 ours too, by the way 鈥�)
And now we鈥檝e got a strangle-hold on all
You guys.听 Oh, don鈥檛 argue鈥斺�渄ot-C-A鈥�?
Good, now we know who we can safely call
In case we need to store and aim our bombs
鈥橤ainst听other听lands that can鈥檛 afford dot-COMs.⁶听

I jest, I jest, and I hope that you know it鈥�
I love this northern weather, and then some.
I鈥檓 Yankee-born, it鈥檚 true, but if I show it,
Don鈥檛 think that I鈥檓 about this country dumb;
I鈥檓 practicing my 鈥淶eds,鈥� and so I鈥檒l throw it
In for camouflage.听 But how far have I come?
Well let鈥檚 just say, to make short a long story,
I know 鈥淐onfederation,鈥� 鈥淜eith鈥檚,鈥� and 鈥渟orry.鈥�

To make the story longer鈥攚ell it鈥檚 true,
I鈥檇 started out to write a poem pedantic,
But I鈥檒l not try to save face or save glue
To cover up my bumbling fingers antic鈥�
To make the story longer, long did I view
This country from afar with eyes romantic;
And thought that I might seek this land鈥檚 protection
Around the time of Bush鈥檚 re-election.

Illegal empire for a legal crown
Is a fair trade, I think, and thought so then.
But how did I know that when I got round
To crossing o鈥檈r the border; how thus I kenned,
Without Canadian books in libraries found
(At least in Jersey), that here I鈥檇 seek my end?
Well let鈥檚 just say I had the company
Of Wikipedia and the CBC.

Well, not the CBC鈥擸ouTube for sure.
The news is all you鈥檒l听legally听export
To liberal Yanks you otherwise would lure
Into this friendliest, healthcare-covered fort.
And so it was that I had to endure
Each episode of听Little Mosque听in short,
Ten-minute clips.⁷ 听 A nuisance, I assure ya鈥斕�听 听
But guess how we get our revenge?听 Pandora;听

Pandora, Hulu, Spotify, and shipping
Fees not charged with Amazon Prime.听 And neither
Do we let you off with T.V.鈥攖here, a whipping
You can get from us each time.听 For either
The 鈥渁ctual鈥� U.S. sites are Canada skipping
Over on their bouncers鈥� lists, or, see, they鈥檙e
Screwing over Canadians鈥� innocent pleasure
To watch poor Kenny meet death at听their听leisure.⁸

You think I鈥檓 but a larger theme o鈥檈r-glossing?
Damn right!鈥擠ouble听our听tax on each transaction paid?
We鈥檒l raise you passports at the border-crossing!鈥�
We flaunt our strength and numbers, I鈥檓 afraid;
The internet鈥檚 just one more way of bossing
Those around those who aren鈥檛 us鈥攚ell then, enough said.
So, fuck this鈥擨 think I鈥檒l to my theme return
And you can joints, while I shall idols, burn.

O yet once more, my Muse!听 Sing鈥斺赌攐h, goddammit,
My Google Notifier鈥檚 rung its bell again.
Let鈥檚 see鈥� bills, hate mail, bigger dick (鈥� I鈥檒l spam it
This听time), and uh-oh, e-Bay wants to sell again.鈥斺赌斺�斺赌斺�斺赌�
Well, what do you听expect听when moderns ham it
Up, or try to, when that pesky shell again
Of our attention span defeats our aim
Of epic grandeur, in this age of AIM?

Oh, AIM, iChat, Skype, Facebook, Twitter鈥攁ll
These social media have their use, you鈥檒l say.
And I agree!听 If it鈥檚 friends you want to call
Or say hello, then throw your phone away!
In fact, why bother to go out at all?
Cut off your legs, too!听 For on your throne you鈥檒l stay
And talk to all your friends!听 And talk with pride鈥�
And marvel that you never go outside!

And, when you actually do log on to chat
(Before听your breakfast), you鈥檒l never鈥檝e been so
Free from all the rules of sentence structure鈥擳hat
Shit, once online, will go right out the window.
For anything the ruling proletariat
Thinks is elitist, typing mobs have deemed so.
Such is the trade-off, friends, when we live at the Dawn
Of Information鈥檚 age, and the emoticon.

For now the happy- and the frowny-face
League with 鈥淩OFL鈥漵 and 鈥淭MI鈥�
In order to full sentences erase,
And stunt complete thought.听 Still, a throwback, I
Just give the middle finger to the pace
My peers have set for language鈥檚 decline;
In which all comment on just how well you speak
The latest version of George Orwell鈥檚 Newspeak.

So much for that idea.听 Except, of course,
That听old-school media鈥檚 still got to have a show, man!
Now, CNN and YouTube听both听will force
Our candidates for President to have a snowman
Ask them questions.⁹ 听 And these听tours-de-force听听听
Of advertising clusterfucks now will leave no man
With peace of mind to cry out 鈥淗old!鈥� or 鈥淢ercy!鈥�
Because at least they鈥檒l teach the controversy!

What, you want fresh supplies of cold, hard听fact
In Information鈥檚 Age?听 To Wikipedia!
And see there all the knowledge that you鈥檝e lacked鈥�
Absorb it quick!听 And forget it even speedier鈥�
Unless you quickly edit!鈥�Then听an impact
You鈥檒l have made on this new, open media!
For there shall rest your crown of laurels.听 Pluck it,
Thou worthy scribe, and thou drop in the bucket!

It鈥檚 true that social revolution now
Is more enabled than it was before
By Twitter and whichever gold cash cow
Will move us faster from the sloth of yore鈥�
But when the Spring is over, then what?听 How
Can tweets stop when today it is a chore
To write a letter?听 Isn鈥檛 typing cleaner
Than inking out 鈥淚 Love Y鈥︹�濃�擫ook, Anthony鈥檚 wiener!

Well, tempting as it is, let鈥檚 leave aside
The Congressman鈥檚 Grade-A, American man-meat^10听
And let鈥檚 just see if we can鈥檛 all decide
If other websites serving all-that-you-can-eat
Skating cats, bad singers, people who confide
Unto a webcam鈥攐h and somebody鈥檚 pants-seat
Ripped at their wedding;鈥攍et鈥檚 all see if 鈥淵ou鈥�-Tube
Is worth鈥攚ait, 鈥淐oke & Mentos Bombs with Lube鈥�?

Oh dear, I spoke too soon.听 I guess I would鈥檝e
Done this sooner or else later鈥擜lthough
It鈥檚 true that cameras have their use.听 I could鈥檝e
Written all about my webcam interview
For university.听 But then, maybe 鈥渟hould鈥檝e鈥�
Is unheard of when听Time鈥檚 Man-of-the-Year is 鈥淵ou.鈥�¹¹ 听听
Well, let鈥檚 just hope no one鈥檚 enough a sucker
To make TV based on YouTu鈥�¹² 鈥斺赌�MOTHERFUCKER!!!听听听

I鈥檓 sensing that my song now nears its end,
So I鈥檒l leave you with these words inspiration:
On Facebook, just how much do you pretend
To intimately know folks in every nation?
Among your thousands,听is there not one听one friend
With whom you actually have real conversation?
But, before I leave, from听Avenue Q
I鈥檒l take my last theme, porn¹³,听 then bid adieu.听听

And not just any porn鈥攏o low themes I鈥�
Not with this golden opportunity
To shit on what so many brains does fry,
Thanks to Japan鈥檚 state of futurity;
Of听anime听I sing not, but听hentai鈥�
And not just any of that variety,
But epic sci-fi shit,听with demon pentacles!
With laboratories! Lotharios! and tentacles!

For there, blonde, wide-eyed, buxom-bosomed mistresses
Of martial arts will somehow always find
Themselves in situations where distresses is
A thing long-planned by men of monstrous minds,
With monstrous frames to boot, and monstrous penises;
Who, of torture known to man, have every kind
For use on women¹⁴ 鈥擜nd you ask why today听
We sell both women鈥檚 lib, and pepper spray?

So go forth, 鈥渇riends鈥�; eat, drink, and be ye merry,
Though you might suffer cardiac arrest.
Not right away of course鈥攁fter that very
Important entry for that essay contest
You heard about online; once all the hairy
Bits are gone,听then听keel before your screen, and rest鈥�
But know, you鈥檒l live! (when from this life you鈥檙e freed)
Through friends, through family, and your Twitter feed.

Now, if my words offend your taste so fine
With my profanity (my 鈥渇ucks鈥� and 鈥渟hits鈥�),
I challenge you to look this up online;
See for yourself听how fucking easy it鈥檚
Become to earn fame听from听far听worse art than mine.
Reality鈥檚 been my theme鈥�that听I insist.
And now, you鈥斺��You鈥濃�攄ecide if what I鈥檝e writ
A piece of art is, or a piece of shit.

Notes to 鈥淓ssay on the New Media (Sort of)鈥�:

1. The actor Stephen Fry is a well-known enthusiast and advocate for almost any new sort of popular technology, and has been informally dubbed 鈥渢he King of Twitter.鈥澨�
2. There is actually a man whose Twitter feed is entirely dedicated to the activity of his toaster.听 Examples of such riveting updates include 鈥淭oast is in鈥� and 鈥淭oast is done.鈥�
3. As of March 2006, every single tweet ever made has been entered into the Library of Congress.
4. The framers of the American Constitution took the idea of the three branches of government (executive, legislative, and judicial) from the Baron de Montesquieu鈥檚 political treatise,听The Spirit of Laws.听 However, Montesquieu鈥檚 celebration of this so-called 鈥渟eparation of powers鈥� was based on his misunderstanding of what he observed in the proceedings of the British Parliament.
5. I assure you that very few Americans who either don鈥檛 know Spanish, or who are not university professors, ever听make any reference to 鈥淣orth Americans鈥� when discussing what is essentially a shared culture between the U.S. and Canada.
6. Aside from the fact that the Canadian Shield was a thing very handy in terms of Cold War geopolitics, I would remind any perturbed Canadian readers that very few American websites use the domain name of 鈥�.us鈥�.听
7. 鈥淭en minute clips鈥� 鈥� i.e., on YouTube; I refer to programming which every Canadian takes for granted, but which for some stupid reason is blocked to internet users in the United States.
8. In case there鈥檚 any confusion, I here refer to those websites which every American takes for granted, but which for some stupid reason are blocked to internet users in Canada.
9. This actually happened during the CNN/YouTube debate held during the Republican Party primaries of 2008.听 Mitt Romney then proceeded to make an ass of himself, declaring it was beneath the dignity of a candidate for president to have to answer a question asked by a snowman, even if the question was one about global warming.
10. Google 鈥淐ongressman Anthony Wiener Twitter.鈥澨� Go ahead, I鈥檒l wait.
11. In case we have all forgotten (why we would have forgotten is beyond me), 鈥淵ou鈥� were Time Magazine鈥檚 鈥淧erson of the Year鈥� in 2007.听 Readers may also remember that this was a last-ditch replacement to cover up the fact that the magazine was originally planning to give the award to Mahmoud Ahmedinejad, based on his influence on world affairs.
12. I direct your attention to 鈥淭osh.0,鈥� a show with no redeeming cultural value whatsoever.
13. I refer my readers鈥� to the hit song from听Avenue Q, 鈥淭he Internet Is For Porn,鈥� a number with which I think my entire generation is intimately familiar.
14. If you have any friends whom you have to听ask听whether or not they鈥檝e seen this shit, I guarantee you the answer is 鈥測es.鈥澨�